I don’t know what good it does anyone to write about depression in the middle of an episode. But part of depression is not knowing what ‘good’ is…so, what the hell. I’ll take a crack at it.
The thing is, when I start feeling better I won’t remember what this feels like. I’m already feeling good enough to write so I’m probably already losing it.
When I’m deep in it, it’s this feedback loop of every negative. “You’re annoying.” “People don’t like you.” “You will never be happy ” “You will always be alone.” My bastard brain turns that stuff up, like it’s it’s jam, and drowns out everything else.
The tyranny of negative thinking starts converting the positive too. “Your mom really loves you.” Becomes, “you are a burden.” Bright shinning lights at the end of the tunnel become the train hurtling towards you, because you have managed to mess up everything you touch so far so you’ll probably destroy that too. Besides, you’re a fraud and any good you do get you certainly don’t deserve.
I don’t know what good this does, writing this down. I know that the people who don’t get depression think that I’m just moaning on out of self pity and an inability to embrace life, and thing is… that’s almost exactly what it is. I can’t switch-off the self pity and I can’t embrace life.
But this is not by choice. Believe me if there was any other way I could choose to be I would not be this. My whole body hurts. I feel like I’ve been up for 48 hrs no matter how much I sleep. And joy is like a foreign language I barely speak. I feel so much guilt that I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family but I cannot snap out of this bullshit misery.
I wanted to write this down because I’m in that middle spot between full blown meltdown and upswing. I still kind of understand the rationale of my meltdown. And the first thing I always forget is how self pity fuels me. No that I’m self pitying, but that the guilt of feeling sad, and not trusting I’m loved, and feeling worthless, that guilt is my negative feedback loops greatest hit.
I know that my pain is exhausting for people to have to hear about because I’m exhausted of feeling it. Other people’s pain is awkward and a burden. I feel so much shame for my social failure to be happy. Maybe it’s that guilt that makes me forget when I feel better what the downward spiral is and what it does to me.