Like, for really though. I spent the last 30 minutes watching blooper reels for shows I’ve never even seen rather than start writing this post. I once wasted an entire evening watching the behind the scenes for The Proposal and then went ahead and watched the behind the scenes for practically every movie Sandra Bullock has ever made, rather than go out to a bar with my actual friends. I have laid in bed composing scenarios in which I might be called upon to save the entire western world, or planning out just exactly what sort of dress I would wear if I was ever to go to the Oscars, instead of attending class. I have scrolled through every available movie option on Netflix, read every single post on my Facebook feed, and clicked through video after pointless YouTube video, all the while that blinking curser judges me from the laptop on my lap and the great book I might someday write remains unwritten. I would rather do anything other than the things I’m supposed to be doing, and I’m not sure I hate it.
The problem, I suppose, is that I’m going to die soon, well not SOON soon, but still pretty soon. Not trying to be too much of a bummer, because this isn’t that sort of blog. This is a fun blog where we have jokes and smiley faces and things. But we are all still going to die :). And the more we live the less choices we get :), the fewer things we can do :P . I’m already shit at climbing trees and no longer at the age where it is acceptable to suggest a game of hide and seek. It’s too late for me to be an Olympic gymnast, too late to be much of a musician, I’m too old and too fat to be an actress. But the less I can do the less I want to do, I don’t actually want to do anything if I can help it.
And… I could spend the rest of this post bemoaning my quickly fading finite hours upon this mortal coil J… but fuck that. Not doing things is awesome.
I’m a lazy sack-of-shit and you can too, here’s how;
Step 1. ABC- Always Be Canceling
As a rule you want to cancel at least 80% of all the plans you make. To do this effectively and with the minimum amount of social stress (i.e. people making you feel bad for bailing) you have to perfect the technique of canceling. To be good at canceling you have to be pretty good at lying and to be pretty good at lying all you have to do is know how to lose people’s interest.
A common mistake most people make when lying is to lie too interestingly. You may have been told in the past to shorten and simplify your lies, and to some extent this is good advice. But don’t be so short or vague that the lie becomes something people could potentially want to question. Details can be good but the details you use should be boring. The key is to make the lie so tedious that people don’t even listen to it. Your basic person isn’t interested in the everyday problems of everyone else, they’ve got far too much on their own plate to worry about. Take advantage of this natural inclination to think about themselves, by whinging on and on about something that makes them glad to be rid of you.
A more advanced tactic is to get the target to believe that canceling was actually their idea. Say the person you’re canceling on is always complaining about how tired they are from work, make your excuse about work. Call them up and seem reluctantly set on the plans that you have made together, then start complaining about your job. Be sure to make your complaints similar enough to things that your target has complained about in the past and steer the conversation in such a way that they get the opportunity to complain about these things again. The faster you can get the conversation back on their lives the less time they have to think about the fact that you’re bailing on them, and the more they’ll think about all the reasons that they are way too tired and busy to have friends in the first place. Do this with enough finesse and I guarantee it will be your target that suggests you call the whole thing off.
Step 2. Proactive Canceling.
Always try to keep in the back of your mind at each and every social occasion you actually do attend, how much more fun it would be if you were at home, alone, rewatching Dr. Who. This way, when you are at the bar drunkenly and emphatically making plans to go try karaoke next week, your brain, despite its lowered-inhibition-ary state, might be well trained enough to say that you can’t remember if you already have plans to see your grandma or not that day.
Remember this mantra: All plans, should be tentative plans. Repeat it to yourself to make your mind vigilant against the dastardly “Let’s get bubble tea on Sunday” Doers who would disrupt your peaceful nothing if you gave them half a chance. Your only response should be a firm “Maybe.”
If you have mastered the tentative plans mantra and really want to go for gold, try creating and perfecting your Unavailability Persona; this is the person people expect not to be able to get a hold of.
- Develop a reputation for not having a working or charged phone.
- Never, ever, text back right away. Always wait at least thirty minutes, even when responding to plans you actually want to keep.
- Be late. Be very late. All of the time.
Basically, never give off the impression of availability, and never grant your friends and colleagues the certainty that you will ever really be there for them.
If you’re lucky, developing this persona of the proactive canceler in combination with the faithful performance of your ABC’s just might make you into the sort of person people will simply not invite to things anymore.
Achieve this, my friends, and the battle is won.
Step 3. Reduce, ignore, recycle.
Now that you’re completely alone, your greatest enemy is yourself. With no people in the way you might actually get around to your resume, resist this urge. It is vital at this point to remember why you’re here, to do nothing. Don’t be one of those irritating Doers that update’s there statues with picture of Prague and the underprivileged children they have single handedly taught to read. Rise above that- or rather- Sink below that. Repeatedly tell yourself you are happy where you are and that you are comfortable, and then distract yourself with the internet.
Do nothing you don’t have to do to survive. Don’t listen to the voice in your head that tells you you need to do things. Do nothing new, trying is dying.
- Feel free to browse Reddit at length, but when you select an article never read more than the first two paragraphs.
- Think long and hard about the things you would like to accomplish in your lifetime. Then think longer and harder about how difficult and uncomfortable it would be to actually accomplish them.
- Go on Stumbleupon, you might die there. You certainly will kill a few days.
- Invest in one of the Sims games.
- Plan outfits for social events you will later cancel.
- Watch previews for movies you will never see.
- Rewatch things you’ve seen a thousand times before
- Nap frequently.
- Eat starchy foods.
Step 4. Leisure wear
When knights rode their trusty steads into war they wore suites of armor. When the women of old set out to find themselves a husband they girded themselves with corsets and petticoats. What I’m saying here is, uncomfortable clothes are for doers. Of course they’re out there fighting wars and social climbing, they can’t relax in that shit.
Here’s what you do, find yourself some, like, super comfortable pajama pants, an oversized t-shirt, and maybe a hoodie in case your place gets chilly. Once you’ve got all that on it’s time to nest.
You want either a bed or a couch, the choice is really yours, just make sure there’s a TV in the room. I will say that if you opt for the bed it helps to have a good deal of pillows so that you can prop yourself up enough to see the television and use your phone (without getting into that irritating situation where the screen flips to the side when you’re trying to look at it lying down). Pile on the blankets, even if it’s hot, this is essential to the nest. If it does get too hot turn up the AC and find yourself a fan, because the blankets are a must.
Once you’re settled you can start to drink heavily if you like, alcohol or cokes, it’s up to you. Constant oral stimulation in addition to the cozy environment will put you in an almost retro-fetal state. You will feel the stress and cares slip away as swiftly and quietly as the hours of your life.
Step 5. Now wallow, wallow like the filthy pig that you are.
If you have followed the above steps correctly your phone should be merely another outlet for browsing as no one should be calling or texting you begging you to do things with them. You will have absolutely nothing on your mind, because nothing can stay there long enough before being booted out by another distraction. You should be comfortable to the point of losing conscious.
And thusly, the world is now your metaphorical oyster.
Do not eat this oyster.
Do not do anything.
You are beyond the realm of vulgar doing. Now is the time to wallow.
Take heed, you lovers of personal hygiene, this is where shit gets nasty. Because as a wallower your spirit animal is now the pig (Yes, I have also heard, internet, that pigs are actually quite clean, but hush while I use a cliché). You no longer have friends or any social engagements, and you can’t really be bothered to move, so naturally you let the whole shower thing slide.
You’re dirty, disgusting, and alone. Yay.
Follow these five easy steps and you too can spend a week writing a blog about laziness and not be able to come up with an ending. But what are endings for anyway? A neat little bow to tie up everything as if it meant something. Humbug! Sounds like ‘doing’ to me. The proper way to end it would be to just sort of drift off, as if